Acceptance – An Antidote for Denial

Part one of this series talked about the importance of the church developing an awareness of the seriousness of the problem of pornography or lust addiction, the powerlessness that people experience when in its grip, and the need for God’s power in order to progressively overcome it.

This article looks at the need to accept a problem exists if a person wants to overcome it, something few seem willing to do.

Viewing pornography usually starts in secret and remains a secret. While part of the person knows ‘this is wrong’, another part likes it. This creates tension and inner conflict and a sense of powerlessness. Strategies are employed in an attempt to feel comfortable. Justification and denial are common coping mechanisms. Self-deception leads to thoughts such as, ‘Well at least I don’t do that’, or, ‘that was the last time I will…’ or ‘if I ever get a bad as him or her I will do something about it’.

As long as the problem remains hidden, it gets worse. The person looks at images that are more explicit and/or engages in more and more risky behaviour. As time goes by lust consumes more of their identity. What was an ‘innocent’ secret pleasure once a week or fortnight, eventually becomes a world of secrecy, lies, guilt, shame, and fear. The person hides this from those around them leading to increased isolation.

In order to cope with the growing inner conflict, a person can subconsciously compartmentalise the “acting out in secret self” from the “public self”, creating two contradicting realities. As time goes by this “secret part” gets larger and more secret, to the point where they can literally hide it from themselves.

Lust has a way of latching onto a person’s will, helping to create a stubbornness that leads to a spiritual blindness. The lust-drunkenness keeps a person from seeing the damage caused to themselves and their relationships, including their relationship with God. Neither can they see the underlying problematic attitudes that feed the addictive behaviour.

It is rare that a person voluntarily chooses to confess their problem and seek help. In fact, due to the power of denial, it is common for a person to deny the issue even when caught.

For some, lust becomes the number one form of coping with life. Ironically, lust becomes a source of security and comfort. In many ways, it has become a “god” or more accurately an idol of worship (the source of their life). They have become dependent and due to this dependency, letting go can feel like they might die, and in some ways they are right. However it is a dying to self (dying to the old nature), and acting with humility and surrender which allows God’s grace to be released (James 4:6).

By grace, God allows moments of clarity that enable a person to have a glimpse of what they are doing to themselves and provides opportunities to empower them to take action. Some may describe this as a part of their subconscious that betrays them and cries out for help by allowing the person to do something that allows them to get caught.

Put another way, a person’s own actions end up bringing about pain that can lead to repentance. Unfortunately, it can take a trail of broken relationships, the loss of position, dignity, and respect before light and truth penetrates the secret world of the pornography-addicted person’s soul. No matter how a person comes to an inevitable fork in the road, the decision to turn away from lust must come from within the individual.

As Dr Phil’s Life Law #4 says ‘you cannot change what you do not acknowledge’. Acceptance is an antidote for denial, and for the person that gets to this place, it is the beginning of healing and change.

Honesty and willingness to be open and talk to someone about the issue is vital for change to continue. It is the hidden part of self that contains the lust, fantasy, and acting out associated with pornography addiction. Coupled with this are the attitudes and beliefs about self, God and others. These too need to come out into the light. This takes tremendous courage and can be immensely scary.

It is important that such a sensitive issue be shared with someone trustworthy and/or a group that is safe. Bringing light to this issue is the beginning of a slow but necessary journey back to reality. It is a journey that will see the power of God enter a person’s life, giving them strength to remain ‘sober’ from their lust.

People caught in the web of pornography addiction are not ‘bad’ people. In fact, many have great hopes and dreams to fulfil. Many are in our churches, secretly battling this ‘thing’. God loves them and says ‘…I know the plans I have for you….plans to give you hope and a future’ (Jer 29:11). Part of that plan is a journey of freedom from the grasp of lust. It is a journey of faith, adventure, sacrifice, and service.

When we acknowledge our weakness, we can access God’s perfect strength (2 Cor 12:9). Out of such a journey will emerge a warrior equipped to ‘fight the good fight of the faith’ (1Tim 6:12) who can watch and come along side others as they come out of denial, climb out of hopelessness and despair, and walk with ‘…the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding…’ (Phil 4:7).

Scott has a Bachelor of Arts in Christian Counselling through Tabor College Victoria with a background in disability care and administration. He is a Graduate Member of the Christian Counsellors Association of Australia (CCAA) and a Level 2 Member of the Australian Counselling Association (ACA). As well as Scott’s work with the whole range of issues brought to counselling, his areas of special interest are helping people struggling with addictions, their spouses and family members, and those with co-dependency and co-addiction issues.

Action – Where Belief and Faith Connect

The first article in this series talked about the need to develop an awareness of the problem of pornography or lust, both as a church body as well as individually. The second article talked about the importance of accepting there is a problem if wanting to be free of lusts power.

This article looks at the importance of taking necessary action to overcome lust addiction, explores practical ways to do this, and highlights the challenges.

The way an addict acts out the fantasy manufactured by pornography is often through masturbating, so trying to give up lust while continuing to masturbate is futile. Sexual abstinence, while controversial, is often necessary before someone successfully breaks the addictive cycle and recovers.

Debate exists over whether a person needs to stop the addictive behaviour first in order to deal with the underlying issues, or vice versa. The answer is both/and. Without stopping the acting out the underlying issues remain hidden, conversely ignoring the underlying issues leads to relapse.

Lust distorts a person’s reality and their thinking, making it difficult to identify and address the underlying issues. Addressing the addictive behaviour and then addressing any issues that fuel the addictive behaviour is a practical and sensible approach.

Removing all pornographic material, as well as putting boundaries in place to block easy access points is necessary. Avoiding the ‘old environment’ where lust was purchased or consumed, such as alone with the internet, in a DVD store, newsagent, or street the brothel is on, is helpful to minimize unnecessary temptation.

Making these decisions in isolation from other people while in the addictive cycle inhibits recovery. These decisions require self-motivated accountability, otherwise ‘when’ temptation strikes, the boundary lines erode, and the person is back online or driving to the newsagent or brothel once more.

Lust addiction drives people into themselves, causing them to live inside their own heads. People often try to overcome lust from this position, severely compounding the struggle. This approach traps people within the addictive cycle, as they remain isolated, trying to think or white knuckle their way out of the problem.

In the early stages of the journey toward sobriety, there can often be a hypersensitivity to lust images. Driving down the road, watching TV, or sitting in the train can take on a completely new reality. People often feel lust is attacking them. Withdrawal symptoms such as cravings, irritability, sleep disturbance, difficulty concentrating, anxiety, or even depression are also normal and expected during this time.

Lust addiction progressively isolates people. Addressing the issue in the context of a safe community is fundamental to long-term victory. Even though a large number of people struggle with pornography, there is not often an open atmosphere to enable sharing.

Talking in a group about the challenges, difficulties, victories, and being encouraged by others that are recovering from the same issues, promotes safety and a sense of community. While not a replacement to one’s faith community, identifying with other’s experiences and sharing one’s own experience in this context, births hope and helps remove the feeling of isolation. Once connected with other people the strategies that follow are more effective.

Acknowledging one’s own powerlessness and asking for God’s help, allows His grace to start operating. Praying to God whenever tempted with a lust image or situation, helps to create a connection to God, instead of a feeling of aloneness. Phoning safe and trusted people as part of the ‘action’ of surrender is a powerful intervention, and a vital strategy to being free from taking the lust drink.

Unfortunately, people often believe the lie that being tempted is a sin, causing them to hide from God when they most need Him. Taking the actions above, ‘in the moment’ of temptation, is the key, as this is where belief and faith connect, allowing God’s grace to come in and expel the temptation and ultimately the obsession.

When pornography and acting out has been the main coping mechanism to deal with life’s problems, unresolved issues and strong emotions such as fear and anxiety can begin to surface. For some, professional counselling may be necessary. Counselling can act as another pillar of support, enhancing a person’s ability to overcome lust addiction, and the issues it masks.

While recovery is painful and difficult, it is not impossible. People who begin to experience freedom from lust start to feel a sense of wholeness, as reconciliation and healing with their true selves, others and God starts to transform the inner person. People begin to feel ‘right’, have self-respect, renewed confidence and self-esteem, and a sense of purpose.

Freedom from lust also allows people to experience what they were wanting all along but which lust could never deliver. This is often unwavering acceptance; power to live out their convictions, ethics, and morals; attain peace of mind and have hope for the future.

The actions outlined above help a person to walk increasing as ‘new creations in Christ’ (2 Cor 5:17). Walking this narrow road leads to life, allowing people’s unique call from God to be reclaimed or discovered (Mt 7:14). This journey also helps lay the foundation that enables them to live out that call, dealing with the challenges along the way.

Scott has a Bachelor of Arts in Christian Counselling through Tabor College Victoria with a background in disability care and administration. He is a Graduate Member of the Christian Counsellors Association of Australia (CCAA) and a Level 2 Member of the Australian Counselling Association (ACA). As well as Scott’s work with the whole range of issues brought to counselling, his areas of special interest are helping people struggling with addictions, their spouses and family members, and those with co-dependency and co-addiction issues.